What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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