Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
