i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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