so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
