I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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