my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
