dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I puked a lego.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
