I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
where am i from again
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
