Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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