I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
