Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
