i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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