i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
