i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
