Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
