I puked a lego.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
