Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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