Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
