Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
