69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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