I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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