let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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