I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
