I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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