I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
