So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
