mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
