Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I think I won the penis lottery.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
