So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
