we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
