I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
