Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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