im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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