Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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