I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
