Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Too much gin, very little bucket
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
