i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
