Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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