I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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