I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
