is your mom at the bar?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
