Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
