just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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