If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
