your parents love me but you hate me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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