guys are only as good as the porn they watch
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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