My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
