I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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