I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
