you traded sex for a burrito?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
