Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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