i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
