dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
3pm strippers are depressing
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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